Heroine on a half-shell

Well, I seem to be getting back to myself; little by little. I had a massive meltdown last Sunday, which seemed to help and a mini-meltdown today, which also helped. At this rate, I'll be me again by the end of the year.
Woo hoo!
J has gone to the library for me because I feel ... heavy today. So he's going to get me some new books. Hopefully some good ones ;)
I've been looking at my car, parked outside today, and you know what? I do believe it's time to start driving her and getting some practice. By the end of the year, I'd like to have my restricted licence. And if that's all I get done, that's okay. I had a big list of goals but I tore it up because I wasn't getting any of it done and it was just making me feel guilty and burdened. The less burdened, the better.
My books are still in a state of chaos and I think they're breeding. Every time I look, there's more. And more. And ... well, you get the picture.
I have work training this week. Hooray, not. I hate training. And seminars and meetings ................................ argh argh argh.

New WIP and other stuff ....

This is row one of Ellen Maurer-Stroh's Kitchen Alphabet. One row down ... I'm not sure how many to go. I'm doing a 'roaming rotation' at the moment. Hours are too much pressure, nothing is screaming at me particularly and I don't want to start anything new. So I'm roaming through my WIPs and just working on whatever appeals to me at the moment. Takes a lot of pressure off.

I still feel a little bit like one of the shell-people but I *think* I'm improving. J and I went to Dad's grave today _ shamefully, for the first time since the funeral. There's no headstone yet, but it was good to visit, anyway. And I hate the sense that if Dad knew how I was feeling, he'd worry. He always worried about me _ whether it was because I'm the youngest, or what it was, I don't know. But I certainly wouldn't want him to worry about me. I just have to find a way back to myself. Back to what passes for 'normal' for me. Back to the neurotic, energetic wee battler I know is still in there.
Somewhere.

It's Anzac Day on Tuesday. Dad served in the Pacific Islands, but all I remember him telling me about were the dolphins that swam alongside the boat on their way over there, and the movies they used to show. He never liked to talk about it.
Still.

Lest we forget.

Man, I suck

I'm supposed to be writing a TV column. 450 words. I got nothing. Nooooooooooooooooooothing.
And, I need to get this out of my brain:
I wish MY worst problem was that people at work had started a rumour I was pregnant. Because I would much rather wake up with that inside my brain than my Dad died. If that was all I had to worry about, it would mean my Dad was still here.
And, you know what? I didn't start the rumour. I thought we were friends. So if you think I didn't start it, why bring it up eeeeeeeeevery time? Why?
It wasn't me.
You know what? It doesn't even matter anymore.

Music is the answer

I spotted this over at http://whizgidget.blogspot.com/ and thought it looked like fun. That, and it gives me an excuse to play with my 'Pod. I love my 'Pod :)

Instructions: Go to your music player of choice and put it on shuffle. Say the following questions aloud, and press play. Use the song title as the answer to the question.

How does the world see you? :
Kim Jong Il from the Team America Soundtrack.
I'm a dictator????
Will I have a happy life? :
Today I Sing the Blues; Aretha Franklin.
Ouch.
What do my friends really think of me? :
The Frim Fram Sauce _ Nat King Cole. H'm. I just uploaded a bunch of songs that I don't really know all that well ...
What do people secretly think of me? :
Miracle of Love by the Eurythmics
Aw
How can I make myself happy? :
Harvest Moon by Bedlam
Kaaaaaaaay ...
What should I do with my life? :
Angels Would Fall by Melissa Etheridge
Probably, if I ever figure it out ...
Will I ever have children? :
Intro _ P-Money
So ... any children I have will be hip-hop stars?
What is some good advice for me? :
Harder to Breathe by Maroon 5
Or ... just relax!
How will I be remembered? :
In the City by Steriogram
H'm
What is my signature dancing song? :
Come to my Window by Melissa Etheridge
Where's P-Money when I really need him?
What do I think my current theme song is? :
The Grey Havens, Howard Shore et al
Could be worse ...
What does everyone else think my current theme song is? :
Driven by P-Money
NOW he comes back!
What song will play at my funeral? :
Sparkling Diamonds by Jim Broadbent, Nicole Kidman et al
Well, obviously
"What type of men do you like? :
Call Me by Aretha Franklin
Straightforward, then
What is my day going to be like? :
I Will Survive by Gloria Gaynor
Now, that bodes well ...

The long weekend

Day one of four-day weekend. It's a bad sign, but I"m already scratchy and restless. It's going to be a fun weekend if this keeps up!
The weather is keeping fairly nice; I'm hoping for a very cold night though _ it keeps our noisy neighbour inside _ and quiet!
Merlin is in hot pursuit of a fly. No luck yet but I'm sure he'll get his man.
I mean, fly.

I've abandoned my rotation for the time being but I've started stitching again _ I'm working on Mirabilia's Madonna of the Garden _ beautiful colours and it's quite soothing.

Anzac Day is coming up in a couple of weeks, which got mey thinking about Dad; it's also partly what got me moving again. I don't really feel a lot better, but you know, you act as if you do and sooner or later your feelings catch up with your actions. That, and I know Dad wouldn't want me to be moping about. So I'm stitching, reading my way through some review books ... I'm trying, at least. Now all I have to do is get up on time for work in the morning!

What else. Not a lot happening lately. I fully intend to enjoy this time off as much as I can and not sulk about being bored. I've been talking about sorting out and re-arranging my bookcases and that's what I'm planning on doing tomorrow. They need to be alphabetised, re-sorted into genres and the ones that can be given to the book sale need to be boxed up. So that's Friday's job.

Saturday ... reading, I think; then on Sunday we're playing taxi for Mother and my oldest sister; we're going to my other sister's for Easter Sunday dinner. I get to see Jacob _ it's been a while!

As for the rest of today ... h'm. Not sure yet. But I'll figure something out.

Progress

This is Monet Impressions after the last 10 hours. Not bad I suppose. I seem to have downed tools altogether though and haven't picked up any projects since ... Thursday? No, Wednesday. I'm not sure why but I"m not inspired to buy XS magazines either and I love buying XS magazines.
Maybe it's just a passing phase.

I feel rather shell-like at the moment. Like a human shell walking around and doing all the things I'm supposed to but not really noticing anything. Working, eating, reading, watching TV .... it's all surface stuff at the moment. I don't know ... I feel like I"m going through some kind of metamorphasis but I don't really care.

I lost my Dad in January and I'm turning 35 soon. I feel like I did when I was in my 20s again _ completely uncertain of who I am and where I'm going. But now I feel like I have a lot less invested in it for some reason. Maybe because I never expected I'd be going through all of that 'Who Am I?' crap again. Heck, I don't even have the energy to be angry about it.

Easter is coming up and I also have a long weekend coming up; I have Thursday and Friday off, which translates to ''we don't want to pay you time and a half''. Four days off? Fine by me! Of course, if I'm off my stitching oats, I have no idea what I'm going to do for four days. Read, I guess. Watch TV.

This weekend has alternated between busy and quiet. Quiet yesterday, as J was working, and busy today _ Sunday is housework day and worked out to be errands day as well. Which meant visiting Mother.

I spent the rest of the weekend reading Cell by Stephen King. Normally, I love Stephen King novels. I get completely pulled in and scared and all the good stuff. Not this time. Cell is nothing more than a very pale imitation of The Stand. And that's it for now, I guess.

DVD ups and downs

I bought Talking Head's Stop Making Sense concert DVD this week. I remember going to see that at the theatre when I was 12 or 13. So it's DVD happiness and nostalgia all rolled up in a tidy little package.
The sadness part: one of my DVD guys, who let me have a GIGANTIC account, has left and gone to Germany. The boss came and looked over their accounts and wants them all under $100. Mine, of course, is sitting at $370. But I HAD to have Walk The Line ...
So now, I have a DVD embargo. No more until that sucker is under $100.
Unless, of course, my credit card recovers its health and I go to Amazon ... you know, there's always a silver lining.
Didn't do any stitching last night; went to V For Vendetta after work.
Tonight, though, it's CSI New York, Bones, and Monet Impressions.
Nice.

Random maintenance post

Tired, but I don't want my blog to feel unloved.

Weather With You

I'm not complaining, but the weather seems to have forgottent that it's supposed to be autumn and we're getting these beautiful warm, clear days. And it's the WEEKEND! Yay for that, although I suppose it's because humankind is fundamentally evil and has completely trashed the environment/atmosphere/ozone layer. But still .... clear blue skies and no need for an electric blanket at night.
I'm torn between the hedonist and the hippy in me.